Find fire within.

Light is of utmost importance when it comes to things being revealed. We need light to see. If light and sight are deemed to be so important, why do so many of us allow ourselves to cringe at the very sight of light? Turning our backs and pulling our sheets over our eyes. Are we even conscious in doing so? 

When we’re first born, we spend ½ of our time dreaming-even more prenatally. We sleep over 1/3 of our lives. Of that 1/3, we dream about 2 ½ hours a night. This is considered to be REM sleep. All mammals experience REM each night. REM is considered to be the “deep stage of sleep marked by rapid eye movements, high-frequency, brain waves, and dreaming.” 

Although it isn’t empirically based, I believe that dreams are a product of our hidden desires and fears. Facing that particular fear in your dream may solve that perceived ‘problem’ subconsciously. While in the REM stage of sleep, your muscles are in a state of paralysis. Although my thoughts are not of typical nature, I have found this to be quite significant. 

How many of us can be alone with ourselves- truly, 100% alone? Imagine yourself in a small, white, square room. The walls are bare. The only possession you have is your mind. You are given time to let your mind run free; to delve into your own, inner, private reality.  For some, this may lead to paralysis. Do you enjoy being alone? Or would you drive yourself to madness?

For I have been to madness and back, countless times. My mind is my greatest gift, but also my greatest curse. I am very selective about what I say and to whom I say it. Up until yesterday, I was avidly searching for my void to be filled. The void being: love.

As the cliché quote states, “You cannot truly love somebody until you love yourself.” So many quotes are overused, and I believe this to be one of them. However, upon dissecting it for hours on end, I realized that I was allowing myself to be the product of others’ opinions of myself. No matter how many people showed their love for me, I could not accept it in entirety. I did not love myself, and I did indeed realize I only need my personal approval. For that, I am desperately longing.

I find myself enjoying the company of all types of people. I don’t ‘transform’ depending on my surrounding per se, but I do find commonalities & play off of those. Very few of you have gotten to know me for who I truly am. Not the surfaced, happy-go-lucky version; but the version who falls into the dark, back into the light, and then into every shade of gray.

While neurotransmitters and endogenous chemicals are theoretically responsible for our state of mind, I do, in fact, believe that happiness is a choice. While being brief, and although I am young, I have faced some of the most tumultuous events I have heard of. I do not say this for pity, or for a sympathy vote, but rather so you can understand that while my life may seem to be ‘butterflies and roses,’ it is not that way. I am grateful for my tribulations.

With tribulation, there is opposition. Luckily for me, the opposing side is far more prevalent. I have been so blessed as to have the most wonderful family somebody could ask for. I hope to someday be half as incredible as my father; if I obtain that goal, I will have been successful beyond measure. He sees the good in all. He never uses unkind words. His actions show his true colors, or should I say ‘color,’ (not plural). He is white as snow; being pure in heart, in intention, and in all that He does.

Upon growing up, I have been labeled as ‘opinionated.’ This is very true. I wish I could say that I find the label to be endearing; but knowing the roots of where it derived, I sadly cannot. I have been quite rude to many, have acted as if I were superior to some, and manipulated others into believing I cared. For this, I am not proud. 

With high hopes of someday being a renowned Psychologist, I have recently realized the value in every life; in every breath. For nobody is superior to another. Not one of us could face mortality alone. We need the assistance of a higher being. For those who are Atheist or Agnostic, I plead with you to notice the miracles that occur each day. Let us not expect God to do all of the work. Although He is fully capable, we can be of help to Heaven. We are all here to help one another, so please, let us begin to do just that.

One voice can make all the difference. Make your mind up on all accounts, and if you feel threatened or devalued, speak up. You can be firm, yet kind. If you do not see eye-to-eye, don’t degrade another for their allegations. Rather, come to an understanding from their perspective. Let us perform elegantly in all that we do. 

Words can only mean so much, so I pray that I can translate all of these thoughts into action. I sincerely do love all mankind. I ask that if you found this ‘blog’ to be worthy of reading, that you will share it with others. I would appreciate your feedback more than you could fathom. 

I want to know that my writing has not been in vain. I do not ask for this for recognition or praise; but because I want to assist others in finding relief. If anyone is struggling in any facet, know that I am here to talk; to listen. I will endear myself to you; no matter how great or small your trial may be. I want to be the light that you so eagerly run from. Reach out no matter how many times you have been hurt.

We all play the martyr at some point. For those who are Christian, we oft turn to God. I cannot help the way that He can, but I am always available to try if you allow me to. 

-Kayli